Day 60,
308 lbs. That's
46 lbs so far. (Unfortunately I was down 47 lbs but popcorn and some other bad decisions got the better of me)
I have had some not good days lately. I was feeling so great for a while. I lost 4 lbs in 1 week! That was a great week for me, but then I made a few mistakes and it cost me. I had my first weight gain this week and it is really getting to me.
I have a friend in town and he wanted to get Mexican food and go to a movie. I have been out to a restaurant a few times since my surgery, but it was usually to a place like Applebees or somewhere that I could make reasonably healthy choices. Now, I know that is not going to always be the case, like when someone wants to get Mexican food. I felt like I did a pretty good job by ordering a chicken taco and some rice. But what got me was all the chips and salsa beforehand. One thing I was told by my Lap-Band nurse was that the "bad-for-you foods" the things like chips and popcorn, are the ones that will "slip" down easily. How not fair is that? The stuff that is the worst for you is the easiest stuff to eat. The healthy stuff like celery and asparagus can sometimes be the most difficult. So for those of you out there that think that getting Lap-Band surgery will just magically make the pounds disappear, you are WRONG! It is really hard work and I have to consciously make the right decisions every time I put something in my mouth. Now I know that I cant expect people to make sacrifices all the time for me. We cant always go to Applebees. Plus I wanted to try some Mexican food. I want to still be able to eat some of the things I love. But I need to make the best decisions I can, wherever I'm eating. The chicken taco and rice was an ok choice. The chips and salsa was not.
Then we decided to go to a movie and I was craving popcorn. But I cant just have popcorn. It has to have lots of yummy butter on it. What's the point of popcorn without the butter. I mean, the popcorn is merely a vessel for getting the butter into your mouth. Isn't it? Anyway, I got popcorn and I ate a lot of it. Because it is another one of those things that "slip" down easily. And because popcorn is mostly just air anyway, I can fit a lot of it in my body. Not a good thing. Boy did I feel sick later though. Too bad it didn't make me feel sick right away because I would have stopped. No, it had to make me feel like shit after I ate half the tub. My body has gotten so used to having the healthy stuff and not the greasy salty stuff so it got kind of mad at me. I really messed up and it showed on the scale.
This has really been bothering me for the past few days. I have really started to beat myself up over it. I know that one pound doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but to me, it is everything. I have been so good and have been working so hard to get to where I am so far, and one little lapse in judgment and I put that weight right back on. Now I know its only 1 lb but its the first gain I've had since my surgery and it makes me feel like I've failed. I am really trying to stay positive and I keep telling myself that these little "bumps in the road" will happen. This "bump" is like Mount Everest in my mind and I have the uphill climb of my life to overcome what has happened and get back on track. You see, in my past, every time I hit one of those "bumps," I have let it ruin everything I had worked for. I get this whole "well, since I already messed up, I might as well give up," mentality. When I met with the weight loss psychologist for the first time, I told her that was one of my biggest weaknesses. She told me I wasn't alone and that is the number one biggest reason why people fail when they diet. Giving up is a lot easier that trying again. She also told me that she saw me as a very motivated and determined person. When I go for something, I get it. I don't fail. She could see that in me and she told me that I need to see that in myself. She told me that when I face a setback like that, I need to find my anchor. That one thing that holds me accountable for my actions. That one thing that will help me defeat my demons. I dont think I have one specific anchor, but the list of things I want to achieve due to my weight loss. I want to shop in a normal clothing store. I want to ride an airplane without using the seatbelt extender. I want to ride on all the rides at Lagoon. I want to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what is staring back at me. And most of all, I want to find that one person that wants to be with me for the rest of my life. Those are the things I am holding on to. Those are the things that motivate me, that encourage me, that push me and pull me and guide me up that mountain. That's why I'm doing this.
One f*ing pound is not going to stop me. I will overcome this. I see the top of that mountain and I am going to crush it.
I do not blame anyone but myself, so for my friends that want to go get Mexican food or eat popcorn at the movies, it is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to make sure I make the right decisions. I will always welcome words of motivation, kind reminders, and cheerleaders, but I don't expect any of you to feel obligated to monitor or babysit me and if you want to get some Mexican food, I would love to join you. We'll just keep the chips and salsa on your side of the table. :)
